Steven Wright Quotes

314 quotes in 2724 categories

• My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
• What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense,…
• Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
• Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't…
• I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
• I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
• I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.
• I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
• I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
• I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
• I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
• I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
• I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
• I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
• I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
• I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
• I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
• I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
• I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
• I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am…

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