Steven Wright Quotes

314 quotes in 2724 categories

• I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
• Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
• I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
• My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
• Hermits have no peer pressure.
• I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
• I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
• My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
• I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
• I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
• I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
• I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
• How young can you die of old age?

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