Steven Wright Quotes

314 quotes in 2724 categories

• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• What a nice night for an evening.
• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
• I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
• If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
• I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
• If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
• I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
• I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
• I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
• If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
• I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

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