Steven Wright Quotes

314 quotes in 2724 categories

• I'm addicted to placebos.
• I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm…
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think,…
• It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
• It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
• Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
• My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I…
• My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
• Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
• Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
• Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
• They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
• To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.
• Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's…
• When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I…
• It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke…
• Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I…

Browse Steven Wright Quotes by Category