Steven Wright Quotes
- The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
- Is 'tired old cliché' one?
- I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not…
- Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.
- Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
- Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
- You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
- Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
- So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are…
- Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
- The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
- A metaphor is like a simile.
- I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for…
- I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.
- I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign…
- I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I…
- What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?