Steven Wright Quotes

314 quotes in 2724 categories

• I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
• I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
• If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe…
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many…
• Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
• I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
• When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time…
• My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has…
• My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
• always remember your unique, just like everone else
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
• I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
• So, do you live around here often?
• The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
• My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
• I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

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