Steven Wright Quotes

314 quotes in 2724 categories

• Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never…
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
• When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
• How can there be self-help groups?
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
• The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation…
• I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
• You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you…
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

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