Steven Wright Quotes
- I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was…
- How do you get off a non-stop flight?
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a…
- Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took…
- I had amnesia once or twice.
- Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.
- A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it…
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
- Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
- If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
- I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
- I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
- I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.