Steven Wright Quotes
- Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
- Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
- I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
- When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while…
- I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be…
- I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
- I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
- I just lost a buttonhole.
- I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
- I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
- Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
- Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic�
- Why isn’t the word “phonetically†spelled with an “f�
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
- If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?
- If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?