In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
