I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know, if a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We use up words like 'spiritual' so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago spiritual had a distinct meaning. But now there's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest:… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
