Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!" — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
