Jokes Quotes · Page 65

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

— Nikhil Saluja

Let me rub your tummy girl till' you feel better babe, read you something funny, girl. Jokes to make you laugh.

— Miguel Jontel

Why do we call it truth or dare when we all know it's really Who do you like or Awkward sexual task.

— Pretty Ladii

That moment when you say something and everyone laughs, so you just sit there like a boss.

— Anonymous

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

— Nikhil Saluja

A good mathematical joke is better, and better mathematics, than a dozen mediocre papers.

— John Edensor Littlewood

I am a fan of whatever makes me laugh my ass off. If it happens to be a Jew joke, then it's…

— Alex Borstein

I secrete jokes like the pancreas secretes... whatever the pancreas secretes.

— Marshall Brickman

I always was an early-morning or late-night writer. Early morning was my favorite; late night was because you had a deadline. And…

— Joss Whedon

There was a time when I didn't like myself at all. I thought I was a cruel joke. But now I've come…

— Cee Lo Green

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the…

— Anonymous

People don't understand that we're not warriors in their cause. We're a group of people that really feel that they want to…

— Jon Stewart

I think a lot of people misinterpret what I'm doing because they think of it as just a joke or they think…

— Casey Spooner

A joke is like building a mousetrap from scratch. You have to work pretty hard to make the thing snap when it…

— Kurt Vonnegut

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about…

— Emo Philips

I'm proud to say I'm the only Slaughterhouse member who has not rewritten a verse yet, and that's the ongoing joke in…

— Joe Budden

For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did…

— Gary Gulman

I'm always looking for what's something that Bradley Whitford's character can say that is completely outrageous and completely wrong, but in a…

— Matt Nix

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."…

— Jack Handey

First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the times that you're living in. When you…

— Adam McKay

Lend's dad, two werewolves, and a vampire. It was like the setup to a bad joke or something. A doctor, two werewolves,…

— Kiersten White

“Thanksgiving Jokes Q: Who is never hungry at Thanksgiving? A: The turkey because he is always stuffed! Q: What’s the best thing…

— Uncle Amon

A 5yrs old girl asked her teacher; PLS SIR, DOES HONEY HAVE LEGS?? The teacher answered NO my dear but why do…

— Robzybobby

For comedians, we're all kind of tweeting our thoughts instead of spending time developing them. You can gauge how good a joke…

— Natasha Leggero

I can't find someone funny whom I don't like. Hitler told great jokes. I didn't find it funny at all.

— Ricky Gervais

You name any horrific thing, and I can make a joke out of it.

— Quentin Tarantino

Crusaders have just f-ked me over what a bas-rd joke, excuse my language I'm absolutely furious.

— Keith Senior

I think I love jokes! The best jokes are equal to the best art, in my mind, and as rare.

— Travis Nichols

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

— David Cross

Most men don't realize their wife's worth till a judge decides the alimony amount

— Anonymous

Ladies don't ask for much. They just want shoes, diamonds, less work, free money & a perfect man.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I said What did I do this time? I really meant What did you catch me doing?

— Nikhil Saluja

Dear Parents, go buy a calculator and solve your own problems. I'm not a therapist.

— Kevin McCarty

“We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Is anything wrong, dear? the old joke went. No, why? You moved. Just don't move.

— Margaret Atwood

If you keep up with pop culture, everybody knows the joke.

— Shawn Wayans

What's worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory.

— Anonymous

For the amount of talent I had (and I couldn't dance, act, or tell a joke) I enjoyed a tremendous career.

— Perry Como

... she, that will with kittens jest, Should bear a kitten's joke.

— William Cowper

I don't think my film style has changed. I'm doing the same kind of jokes I did when I was younger.

— Woody Allen