I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Even 'Lord of the Rings' had dwarf-tossing jokes in it. It's like, 'Really?' — Peter Dinklage Copy Share Image
When I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law. — Will Rogers Copy Share Image
You know you've drank too much when you actually ask your wife to drive you home. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
How about this, you remove Funny/Model from your bio and let me be the judge of that. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars." — Larry the Cable Guy Copy Share Image
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Oh, something is there, waiting for me. Perhaps someday the revelation will burst in upon me and I will see the other… — Sylvia Plath Copy Share Image
It's crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go… — Chris Tucker Copy Share Image
No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The best thing that can happen to a couple married for fifty years or more is that they both grow nearsighted together. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You know, Aunt Tasha makes jokes about how youʹd actually be a better queen than the others, except sometimes . . .… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
On 'Lab Rats,' I read the script probably three or four times before we ever even do a table read because I… — Billy Unger Copy Share Image
You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I myself am convinced that the theory of evolution, especially to the extent to which it has been applied, will be one… — Malcolm Muggeridge Copy Share Image
And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em or leave 'em - you can say… — Will Rogers Copy Share Image
It stands to reason that we love chocolate cake because it is sweet. Guys go for girls like this because they are… — Daniel Dennett Copy Share Image
To call them emotional comedies sounds cloying. Like Billy Wilder said, 'You want to make them laugh and you want to make… — Charles Shyer Copy Share Image
I try not to write jokes that are mean. I try my best to write jokes that are pretty universal and jokes… — Simon Rich Copy Share Image
I rely on some words that actually my husband said to me. He jokes about saying, "You know it's only darkest before… — Cindy McCain Copy Share Image
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. — David Ogilvy Copy Share Image
I don't do any jokes that old. I might have maybe one or two jokes from high school that I still do. — Dave Chappelle Copy Share Image
Paris and Nicky Hilton? Those girls will show up to the opening of a phone book. It's like a big joke. — Rachel Perry Copy Share Image
If my jokes offend you: 1. Im sorry. 2. It wont happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. and 4. get over it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See? — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“Now that I had assigned myself an act without jokes, I gave myself a rule. Never let them know I was bombing” — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
Family jokes, through rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive. — Stella Benson Copy Share Image
I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Why don't blind people sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of their dogs! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Just because something makes you smile or laugh ... doesn't mean it's a joke. — David Rees Copy Share Image
I'm sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power. — Alice Walker Copy Share Image
You can dissect a joke just as you can a frog. But it tends to die on you. — E. B. White Copy Share Image
