I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house... — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material.… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
![“I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6b7/daniel-tosh-1624_fearless_i-m-like-our-fearless-leader-jesus-where_22791.jpg)
