I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not?… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
![“I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get…” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6b7/daniel-tosh-1624_fearless_i-m-like-our-fearless-leader-jesus-where_22791.jpg)
