I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you? — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
![“I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my…” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/2b7/daniel-tosh-1624_bed_i-m-a-homer-so-the-closer-i-perform-to-m_1450347.jpg)
![“I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get…” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6b7/daniel-tosh-1624_fearless_i-m-like-our-fearless-leader-jesus-where_22791.jpg)
