If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you? — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years,… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not?… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
![“I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/2b7/daniel-tosh-1624_bed_i-m-a-homer-so-the-closer-i-perform-to-m_1450347.jpg)
![“I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6b7/daniel-tosh-1624_fearless_i-m-like-our-fearless-leader-jesus-where_22791.jpg)
