Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
![“I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get…” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6b7/daniel-tosh-1624_fearless_i-m-like-our-fearless-leader-jesus-where_22791.jpg)
