I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material.… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
![“I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get…” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6b7/daniel-tosh-1624_fearless_i-m-like-our-fearless-leader-jesus-where_22791.jpg)
