I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background? — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years,… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
![“I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6b7/daniel-tosh-1624_fearless_i-m-like-our-fearless-leader-jesus-where_22791.jpg)
