I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
![“I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get…” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6b7/daniel-tosh-1624_fearless_i-m-like-our-fearless-leader-jesus-where_22791.jpg)
