Jokes Quotes · Page 64

Steven Wright can do Steven Wright very well. Not everyone can do Steven Wright's jokes with the same results.

— Wyatt Cenac

That's what my books are, now that I'm a grownup - mosaics of jokes.

— Kurt Vonnegut

As for jokes, I don't think it's necessarily that what I write is funny.

— Peter David

Etc: The word that makes people think you are smarter than you really are.

— Nikhil Saluja

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got cut off? He's all right now.

— Anonymous

I don't really want to tell jokes about trivia; I'd kind of rather tell jokes about things like life and death.

— David Shrigley

Even if its a white crowd, I tell my jokes for the four black people in the room, not the 100 whites.

— Gary Owen

I've made a lot of grown men cry with laughter, because I really am quite the joke.

— Peta Wilson

I think one of the funniest things about '30 Rock' is that Liz Lemon is sort of like Buster Keaton - she's…

— Cristin Milioti

Describing comic sensibility is near impossible. It's sort of an abstract silliness, that sometimes the joke isn't the star.

— Dana Carvey

I'm very wary of doing political stuff for a lot of reasons. One of the big ones is that the shelf-life for…

— Tim Heidecker

When I played Lady Day, I took Aba onstage with me as a joke. He started singing-in tune!-and the audience loved it.

— Eartha Kitt

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

— Ellen DeGeneres

The Internet kept the joke going. Abevigoda.com was devoted to updating the actor's status, as was @AbeVigodaUpdate, a Twitter account.

— Audie Cornish

Comedy is what happens when you cross the dateline from the unbearable. Things become so unbearable they become a joke.

— Robyn Hitchcock

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go…

— Jack Handey

When I was very young, I didn't really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples' jokes. Established comics, like Stanley…

— Kevin Nealon

I am very optimistic about the long run prospects for democracy in China. Chinese society is being dramatically and rapidly transformed. And…

— Larry Diamond

In high school, my friend and I discovered that your cable-access station had to let you do whatever you wanted - it…

— Michael Schur

I'll be honest with you, one of the things that frustrated me the most out the record leak thing, it had nothing…

— Bradford Cox

If you have only a little capital and are young today, there are fewer opportunities than when I was young. Back then,…

— Charlie Munger

I make the joke, all the time, that if you have the word "man" and a number in the title, like Batman…

— Rob Reiner

Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny…

— Ellen DeGeneres

Sometimes you go up to people who look totally normal and then you talk to them for a few seconds and you…

— Billy Eichner

When I'm telling jokes, I'm constantly in motion. I can't stand in one place.

— Eddie Griffin

Condoms are like women...most of the time they're pretty annoying, but you need them to get laid.

— Anonymous

There are no relationship problems that can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dear math, grow up and solve your own stupid problems I'm sick and tired of doing it for you!

— Anonymous

Fame is a big joke. Stars need to stop taking themselves so seriously.

— Avril Lavigne

Anything where we're the butt of the joke, no one tells us about it.

— Chris Martin

You know you're on your period when everyone around you has an attitude problem.

— Nikhil Saluja

Me jealous Hahahahahahahahaahahaahaahahahahahhahahahahaahahaahahaahah lmao

— Kevin McCarty

All day my mind drifts off into fantasies and little stupid jokes.

— Jean-Pierre Jeunet

For those who woke up in a Fussy mood this morning do me a favor, punch your spouse in their fucking face.

— Nikhil Saluja

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

— Nikhil Saluja

I used to joke that I was trying to sell out, and nobody would buy me.

— John Waters

Have you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul.

— Erik Naggum

When I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM.

— Megan Fox

I learned to think about religion, race and sex through the complex and often unattractive medium of jokes.

— Andrew Hudgins

Always laugh heartily at the jokes your boss tells, it maybe a loyalty test.

— Anonymous