Jokes Quotes · Page 62

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

— Mitch Hedberg

“in this society, things you’d think could only be bad jokes actually happen all the time.”

— Banana Yoshimoto

The joke in aviation is, 'If you want to make a million, you'd better start with £10m.'

— Bruce Dickinson

The most powerful force in the universe is women gossiping.

— Nikhil Saluja

There is no 'magic water' that you can rub on a script to make the jokes funnier.

— Graham Linehan

Because, as we are told—a sad old joke, too— Ghosts, like the ladies, never speak till spoke to.

— Bill Vaughan

A woman never knows what she really wants until she finds out what her husband cannot afford.

— Anonymous

I laugh and joke, but I don't get distracted very easily.

— LeBron James

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award…

— Daniel Tosh

They always prided themselves on looking youthful. “Forty’s the new thirty,” they’d joke. Until heartbreak and grief enter your life, and then…

— Melina Marchetta

My mom was a little weird. When I was little she would make chocolate frosting. And she'd let me lick the beaters.…

— Marty Cohen

If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier…

— Nikhil Saluja

Twitter is just a great joke laboratory. You go in there and there are so many witty people that I know any…

— Michael Kupperman

I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I'm…

— Doug Benson

Well, there are conjoined twins in real life and we can tell a story about them so long as they're not the…

— Bobby Farrelly

Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to…

— Mark Twain

I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been…

— Sam Kinison

The United State has a net worth against which our debt is a joke ... we wrote in 2008 the United States…

— George Friedman

I'm a festive guy to begin with and Halloween is my favorite holiday. I went all out on this one costume. It's…

— Andre Dirrell

Somebody once told me that if you laugh at a George Bush joke, or you send an email cartoon to your friends…

— Harold Ramis

Prince Harry is a great guy, very competitive; he's been playing polo all his life. Riding is in his blood. His grandmother…

— Nacho Figueras

Pardew has come out and criticized me. He is the worst at haranguing referees. He shoves them and makes a joke of…

— Alex Ferguson

Candice is the original spelling of my name. I changed it to Kandyse when I was really young and first starting out…

— Kandyse McClure

A friend of mine is trying to do a documentary where he brings Jewish and Arab comedians to occupied territories in Israel.…

— Harold Ramis

Life plays the same lovely and agonizing joke on all of us.

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

— John Oliver

Alcohol: Because no good story starts with So this one time I was eating a salad

— Persia

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.

— Don Rickles

I think it's important to have a good sense of humor and joke around with your kids. That's what I do a…

— Stanley Tucci

If there's an intelligence behind the joke - - it's a good joke.

— Eric Andre

There are a lot of clubs that are like, 'Don't do political jokes because it incites a lot of heckling.'

— Michelle Buteau

The people that become the biggest jokes are people who do not change. They stay the way they were in the past.

— Corey Feldman

My girlfriend told me I'm awful in bed. I don't know how she can tell in 30 seconds.

— Nikhil Saluja

Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense.

— Georg C. Lichtenberg

Sometimes you just have to sit down and ask your parents if they sold your soul.

— Nikhil Saluja

It is much easier to write a good Times leading article than a good joke in Punch.

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

He was saying that the end of the world wasn't an accident; it was a joke.

— Holly Black

Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!

— Nikhil Saluja

Never laughing too loudly in a restaurant no matter how good the joke.

— Paulo Coelho

“Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana