They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"? — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night.… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy? — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
“There are fears that Britain could be facing a double-dip recession, or worse still, a double-dip with misery sprinkles and fuck-where's-my-job-sauce.” — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
“Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.” — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
There is no doubt I have offended many people. No doubt, also, that I have blasphemed. I sometimes try to offend as… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Comedy is a terrible way to meet women. It's certainly a way to start talking to them, but they always have preconceptions… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
British people have a really sophisticated sense of humour, because we're exposed to much more than Europeans and Americans, not least in… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I did a ski festival in Austria once. I was struck by how friendly Austrians were, before gradually realising it's more that Glaswegians are… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Your ruling class don't care about what happens to you. What seems like some enormous upset in your community is undetectable from a helicopter… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Remember, taboos are just a map of what a society feels it's acceptable to be neurotic about. Taboos aren't rational. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
If you feel more emotion looking at a picture of queuing lorries than a picture of desperate humans living in a lay-by, you need… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech,… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
In a lot of farther-flung places in Scotland people are guarded at first, but as soon as they get to know you they really… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
