When people ask me plz because it's shorter than please. I tell them no because it's shorter than yes . — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not saying I am Batman, I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
One of the scariest things ever is flushing a toilet & seeing the water coming up instead of going down. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught, It's like Facebook but real life..:) — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My daughter's really into the Halloween spirit. She's been in her pregnant lady constume for months now. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not saying she's a slut but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist is that you can negotiate with a terrorist. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When I get introduced to someone I ask them 'Team Edward or Team Jacob?' It helps me separate the freaks & douches… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Opening your cabinet, seeing there's about to be an avalanche of stuff falling, and quickly closing it for the next person to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm fairly sure that my cute next door neighbor thinks I'm a stalker. She wrote it on Facebook, Twitter and even in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It hurts when someone with whom you wanna talk ignores you,but it hurts worst when you ignore that person because they are… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance. Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair. Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage. Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle? Me: Just some water. Cop: Ma'am that's wine... Me: Jesus did it again!! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Q: Why do women live longer than men? A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that its my cellphone. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Person (angered): Hey, get that thing out of my face! You (calmly): Its not in your face, its in my hand. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Call of Duty: MW3 comes out midnight tonight. I wonder how many relationships are going to end this week. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Facebook event invites from people you barely know should really have a 'seriously?' option in the reply. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I got expelled from the public library for putting all the 'Women's Rights' books in the fiction section. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Old people at weddings always poke me and say You're Next. So I started doing the same to them at funerals — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Where can I get one of those Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton jobs where they just kind of pay you to exist? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sorry the casting of Fifty Shades of Grey has caused you to completely revamp your masturbation fantasies. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
So I put your phone on 'Airplane Mode' and threw it up in the air...Worst Transformer ever. Just saying... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Im not saying you're a slut, I'm just saying you've put more balls in your mouth than hungry hungry hippo. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sex is like math: first you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't muliply. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The origin of the word Boob: The B is the aerial view, the oo is the front view, the b is the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Snooki is expecting her baby on December 21, 2012. I guess the Mayans knew what they were talking about... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get out of my bed or I'll… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.....Sometimes there is some SENSE in NONSENSE. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My 'check engine' light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If climbing the highest mountain on earth is the only way for him to be mine.. then I'd rather go shopping! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sorry you're upset that three brutal murders by one of your players may impact your team's playoff chances. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake...After three days of pain and agony.....the rattle snake died. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
And a tear rolled down her cheek, as she said goodbye; because she's walking away, and she's never looking back — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You'll seldom experience regret for anything that you've done. It is what you haven't done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Scrabble - The game is available in Braille. That’s a nice fact. This makes me feel better about humanity for some reason. I can’t… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“THIS tale of my sore-troubled life I write, To thank the God of nature, who conveyed My soul to me, and with such care… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Put on my J's and dance the whole night away Im naughty by nature like Im hip-hop hooray With my hands in the sky,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Me.. I have been through a lot, but I still manage to have a smile on my face. Im not worried about the past… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The only person I've ever purposely caused pain here is myself...By simply sharing, caring too much. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
