Relationships nowadays = First week: I love you baby.. Second week: Together forever.. Third week: Single.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't think people know the difference between someone giving you a compliment and someone being thirsty. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My dog thinks I am patting his belly...little does he know I am playing the most epic drum solo of all time. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I hate being tickled, I do not think it's cute, I do not find it funny, I will kick you in the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Perks of knowing me: You can stand beside me and look 100 times more attractive than you actually are ... :P — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Some people should consider having multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Saw a Chinese kid and a black kid wave to each other today. It gave me hope...for another Rush Hour movie... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dear guys, please do not talk about how big your muscles are and how much you bench. I'd rather watch paint dry.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Exams should be given on either Facebook or on phone instead of sheets, ccuz today's students have more typing speed than writing… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That moment when you're feeding a baby and you open up your mouth every time you give it a bite because you're… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My mom thinks WTF means wow that's fantastic...Today I texted her: Mom I got an A on my English test...my Mom said:… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Why periods? Why can't mother nature just text me and be like 'Waddup girl. You ain't pregnant. Have a great week. Talk… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The government could fix everything that's wrong with the country if they'd simply read my Facebook updates. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is calling me a doctor because I own Band-aids. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I bet the NSA stopped monitoring your phone records after seeing they were all drunk dials to exes at 4 a.m. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Oh, you sent me an event invite on Facebook? Weve never met and you live 2,400 miles away, of course Ill go. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Ghetto people always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford; Mercedes, Bentley, Pearl, Child support. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm glad you work out your issues on Facebook rather than half-naked on stage in front of millions of people. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
No officer, I didn't see you in my rear view...my eyes haven't left my phone for at least the past 5 miles... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I told my daughter that she can't have boyfriend till her age is off the clock. *puts military clock on wall* — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Police have special ability from an ice. Whenever police say 'FREEZE!!' all people that they want will frozen — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've been invited to a Halloween party tonight in America. To scare all the Yanks, I'm going as low-fat food! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When someone says to me, Great minds think alike, I just look at them and think..You dirty little bastard!.:O — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I never said I hated you. I said if you were on fire I might consider roasting marshmallows. BIG DIFFERENCE!.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My boyfriend isn't allowed to watch E.T, why the fuck does he wanna watch his ex girlfriend find her way home. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When ever I get a headache I take two tablet of aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: 'Jim's whore house. You got the dough, we got the hoe.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
And a tear rolled down her cheek, as she said goodbye; because she's walking away, and she's never looking back — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You'll seldom experience regret for anything that you've done. It is what you haven't done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Scrabble - The game is available in Braille. That’s a nice fact. This makes me feel better about humanity for some reason. I can’t… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“THIS tale of my sore-troubled life I write, To thank the God of nature, who conveyed My soul to me, and with such care… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Put on my J's and dance the whole night away Im naughty by nature like Im hip-hop hooray With my hands in the sky,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Me.. I have been through a lot, but I still manage to have a smile on my face. Im not worried about the past… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The only person I've ever purposely caused pain here is myself...By simply sharing, caring too much. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
