Somebody said that carrier pilots were the best in the world, and they must be or there wouldn't be any of them… — Ernie Pyle Copy Share Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You know, in high school I thought Catholicism was funny and sort of ridiculous, but then I also liked it, too. Like,… — Julia Sweeney Copy Share Image
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, youll become happy; if you get a bad one, youll become a… — SangFroid Stalker Copy Share Image
I was almost hoping that the pregnancy test I took would show up positive so there would be an explanation for my… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Aren't men funny? When they want to pay you the greatest compliment in their power, they naively tell you that you have… — Jean Webster Copy Share Image
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
The first play I did was a funny one called 'The School for Wives', by Moliere. We were wearing the ugliest wigs… — Ng Chin Han Copy Share Image
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
“I love food. I love soda. I love watching movies and reading books. I love these things a little to much. I… — Sarah Willey Copy Share Image
When my parents were dating, they were very poor, so my dad couldn't take my mom out. They would go to the… — Parker Posey Copy Share Image
If only you saw what I could seeyou'd understand why I want you so desperately right now I'mlooking at you and I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus. — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
“Peas baffled me. I could not understand why grown-ups would take things that tasted so good when they were freshly-picked and raw,… — Neil Gaiman Copy Share Image
Why do you feel safe under blankets? Its not like a murderer will come in thinking 'I'm gonna kill...ahh sh*t! He's under… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's funny, this thing about happiness. It's a commodity that was imported from America in the Fifties. I see myself simply as… — Francesca Annis Copy Share Image
Look, I'm not saying you're boring. I'm just saying I pay a lot more attention to you when you're naked. ooK? o_O — Green Monk Copy Share Image
As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who… — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
“Just so you know,’ I explained, remembering my own earlier arrogance, ‘if you’ve ever owned a cat and therefore think you know… — Peter Allison Copy Share Image
“He’s a vampire.” I laughed again, feeling there was no end to the outrageous, ridiculous excuses we were coming up with. “Seriously,… — J.M. Richards Copy Share Image
Never give up..never tap out..cause what I have learned from wwe is there's always a reversal of every submission moves — Asif Copy Share Image
And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who… — Denis Norden Copy Share Image
The jokes I was always attracted to, and that I would tell for the longest, were jokes where I cared about the… — W. Kamau Bell Copy Share Image
I will do comedy until the day I die: inappropriate comedy, funny comedy, gender-bending, twisting comedy, whatever comedy is out there. — Sandra Bullock Copy Share Image
It's funny: over time, if you're fortunate, you build a nice career, and you have these interesting moments, and I would not,… — John Ridley Copy Share Image
In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Never criticize your wife directly. If she looks fat in the new dress, say 'honey you have got this dress one size… — Adhir Amadavadi Copy Share Image
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm very much like the person I am on the show. I'm certainly not as ambitious; no, that's not… — Samantha Bee Copy Share Image
You know, the funny thing was that I grew up listening to, like Whitney Houston and Cece Winans, and a lot of… — Heather Headley Copy Share Image
Today, it's my birthday. My parents, whom I live with, told me that they did not get me anything, but instead they… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you stand for a reason, be prepared to stand like a tree..If you fall onto the ground, fall like a seed… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I’m looking for Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,” I declared. He did not respond. “It’s a book,” I said. “Not a person.” Nope.… — Rachel Cohn Copy Share Image
“Helion threw himself onto the couch across from Cassian and Mor. He'd ditched that radiant crown somewhere, but kept that gold armband… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
I'm not interested in being one of those comedians who wants to look good and be this 'cool' funny person. I don't… — Chris Lilley Copy Share Image
What I thought I was going to do over the summer: hang with friends, have a party, go swimming, go to the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Approach your guitar intelligently, and if there are limits, don't deny them. Work within your restrictions. Somethings you can do better than… — Chet Atkins Copy Share Image
I'm boycotting Bastille Day because I'm still upset about France not supporting a war we were totally wrong about. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
