“A blanket could be used as a lovely rug, a rug that just so happens to be covering a large hole, you… — Nicole McKay Copy Share Image
How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal… — Les Dawson Copy Share Image
There comes a point in everyone's life that they need to make changes. Today I am going to change my socks and… — Tammi Post Copy Share Image
Scientists have determined that the most irritating sound to the human ear is the sound of a knife cutting a glass bottle.… — Peter Sagal Copy Share Image
Every time I hear a recording of my own voice, Im convinced that I would not be friends with me if I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I wrote a book called 'Yoga for Regular Guys.' We made the title of the book funny, but it was actually super… — Diamond Dallas Page Copy Share Image
“May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be… — Keisha Keenleyside Copy Share Image
When the person I like doesn't text back fast, I either think I didsomething wrong or they are talking to someone better. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What I have in my power, that is my own. So long as I assert myself as holder, I am the proprietor… — Max Stirner Copy Share Image
“The fish is that perfect, amazing guy it can never work out with—you know, a bird and a fish may fall in… — Lisa Daily Copy Share Image
“What’s your favourite position?” “I usually play winger.” “Zach, I adore you, but you can’t make soccer jokes during phone sex. It… — Tiffany Reisz Copy Share Image
In most audience-participation shows, the participant is so clearly not a part of what's going on that it's the fish-out-of-water aspect that… — James Lapine Copy Share Image
“Coveralls," I reply, and I know I'm no longer screening what's coming out of my mouth. He raises a eyebrow, amused yet… — E.L. James Copy Share Image
Funny enough, the first time I watched 'Arrow' was because Audrey Marie Anderson, who plays Lyla, was in my episodes of 'The… — Juliana Harkavy Copy Share Image
“Otter! Otter! Otter! Don’t lead cows to slaughter! I love you, and I know I should’ve told you soon-a But you didn’t… — T.J. Klune Copy Share Image
Until now has there ever been a time in which so many of the prophecies are coming together? There have been times… — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
When I was 12, I snapped my arm in two. My wrist still has a funny bump because they didn't join it… — Jessica De Gouw Copy Share Image
In the U.K. and Ireland, crowd-work is a big thing. It shows you how funny someone would be if you met them… — Aisling Bea Copy Share Image
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
It's funny because TV wasn't something that I wanted to do. I wanted to do movies. I'd said a lot of no's… — Alycia Debnam-Carey Copy Share Image
It's funny because you make a film to hold all your feelings and thoughts about something, and you've tried to say it… — Eva Victor Copy Share Image
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I really like being surrounded by good, funny people or good, clever people depending on whether I'm doing comedy or drama and… — Rebecca Front Copy Share Image
Engineering...to define rudely but not inaptly, is the art of doing that well with one dollar, which any bungler can do with… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In Nova Scotia, there are some definite down-home accents, and it's funny because you can go to Sydney, and one guy is… — Diego Klattenhoff Copy Share Image
We're going to start with the injury report, obviously. Manning, Clark, Addai, Reggie Wayne, Freeney, Mathis, Brackett - all those guys will… — Rex Ryan Copy Share Image
So forget about blogs and bloggers and blogging and focus on this - the cost and difficulty of publishing absolutely anything, by… — Clay Shirky Copy Share Image
The other day a girl wearing a shirt that says I'm just waiting for a better day so I Smooched her &… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport. — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
Maybe the reason why so many girls are not looking for a boyfriend anymore, but rather a girlfriend is because all the… — Rachel Copy Share Image
“He'd make her work so hard that a job as a cardboard-box presser at the margerine factory would seem like paradise.” — Jussi Adler-Olsen Copy Share Image
My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo?… — Morey Amsterdam Copy Share Image
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Jack Sparrow: No! Not good! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You've burned all the food, the shade, the RUM! Elizabeth… — Pirates Of The Carribein Copy Share Image
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's… — Arlo Guthrie Copy Share Image
I think your tendency when you play yourself is to accentuate something about you that you think is the funny thing about… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey. Wait, I think beautiful is too strong… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
