Funny Quotes · Page 841

And a flower, doesn't even know it's own beauty it's entire life. Sad, huh?

— Miyavi

I never really considered 'Quantum & Woody' a comedic book or a funny book. I never thought of it as a satire.

— Christopher Priest

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately...

— Henry David Thoreau

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

— Steven Wright

“Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.”

— Spike Milligan

It's awful knowing that one seventh of our life will be wasted on Mondays.

— Anonymous

All that God asks you most pressingly is to go out of yourself … and let God be God in you

— Meister Eckhart

“Orange: Uh Oh Mario: Uh oh what? Orange… Uh-Oh spaghettio's *LAUGH* Mario: Not Funny”

— Annoying Orange

To me, the best comedies get a little dark, and the best thrillers are a little bit funny. So I'm not exactly…

— Jon Watts

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to…

— Will Rogers

“I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they…

— Ethan Day

I think Carmen Christopher is going to be massively huge. He's just too funny. He's got funny in his bones, and he…

— Chris Gethard

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very…

— Bob Hope

“[Science] works! Planes fly. Cars drive. Computers compute. If you base medicine on science, you cure people. If you base the design…

— Richard Dawkins

I love Justin Bieber Well, I love McDonalds but you don't see me making an account pretending to be a fucking chicken…

— Maicy Rasmus

“So if you're trying to play games with me, I should let you know up front that it's not going to work.…

— Tehereh Mafi Unravel Me

It's funny how we can remember all the words to a song but can't remember anything we studied

— Corey Chevier

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

— Woody Allen

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

— Kristen Schaal

Marriage, as practised by high society, is arranged indecency.

— Nicolas Chamfort

The Security Agencies are reading everyone's email?? LOL I don't even read my own email

— Ritu Ghatourey

Roses are blue, violets are red, if you come near me one more time I will chop off your head!

— Anonymous

I'm tall and thin but not strong, so you're either an athlete or you're funny.

— Keegan-Michael Key

“Well. Yes. Someone's trying to kill me. But you don't have to make such a big deal out of it.”

— Sarah Rees Brennan

Going to pieces. To go to pieces so pointlessly and unnecessarily.

— Franz Kafka

When money grows on trees, you can bet there's a lot of grafting going on.

— Nikhil Saluja

That's the only dog I know who can smell someone just thinking about food.

— Charles M. Schulz

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

— Kristen Schaal

Wir mussen wissen. Wir werden wissen. We must know. We will know. Inscribed on his tomb in Gilttingen.

— David Hilbert

You are NOT what you eat, you are what you digest and assimilate.

— Tony Robbins

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

— Daniel Tosh

I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom.

— Julia Louis-Dreyfus

“Oh, storms yes! Everybody, give the Lopen your spheres! I have glowing that needs to be done.”

— Brandon Sanderson

Next time u're in front of the mirror try fixing something besides your face!

— DeAngelo Stokes

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

— Mitch Hedberg

Fighting online is so stupid. I mean...What are you gonna do? Busta CAPS LOCK on my ass?

— Stephanie

I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn't get there as fast.

— Eddie Bane

I've confessed to everything and I's liked to be hanged. Now, if you please

— Franny Billingsley

Those who cling to life die, and those who defy death live.

— Uesugi Kenshin

I like the English. They have the most rigid code if immorality in the world.

— Malcolm Bradbury