People always ask me why everyone calls me black (im white)...now I just tell them its because I'm gifted — Luke Collins Copy Share Image
“Her face looked like a fruit from which all the juice had been sucked.” — Brian Herbert Copy Share Image
Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Like backstage, I just peed like every 3 seconds. I think yur staff thinks I have diarrhea. — Jennifer Lawrence Copy Share Image
Make sure to stay in shape this winter since you may not be able to sign up for Obamacare until spring. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That awesome moment when the whole class laughed at what you said, so you just sit there like a boss. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Followers, because calling them The people who are witnessing your failure is too sad. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm pretty sure that the horror/zombie film '28 Days Later' was actually written by a law student in reference to a JNOV. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was… — Kerrelyn Sparks Copy Share Image
The first person who decided to say a word instead of throwing a rock can be considered the starter of civilization — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“What turns an honest, good-looking guy like you into a theif?" Scott couldn't help but smirk. "I blame chocolate.” — Geoffrey Knight Copy Share Image
“Walking out of an A level paper isn't funny." "It's not that I'm laughing at." "So what is it?" "No one ever… — Rosamund Lupton Copy Share Image
Remember Hey Arnold? Rugrats? CatDog? Rocket Power? Kenan & Kel? The Amanda Show?... When Nickelodeon made sense. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary. — Honore de Balzac Copy Share Image
Every city I go to is an opportunity to paint, whether it's Omaha or Hawaii. — Tony Bennett Copy Share Image
If we come to a minefield, our infantry attacks exactly as it were not there. — Georgy Zhukov Copy Share Image
10 minutes... No text back? Looks like Im going to sleep now. OH NOW YOU DECIDE TOREPLY!? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Being at home with loved ones all week has shown me how much I miss my miserable job. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I have written much about many good places. But the best places of all, I have never mentioned. — Edward Abbey Copy Share Image
Why not try thinking of your life as hilarious rather than nightmarish? — Julia Sweeney Copy Share Image
If only forgetting a person was as easy as forgetting why I open the fridge... — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You see, money's not everything in life is it? but it keeps you in touch with your children... — Johnnie Casson Copy Share Image
Men who dont understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Errol Flynn and I are the only ones left who do any good old hell raising. — Humphrey Bogart Copy Share Image
The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Do you love this God who is everything, or do you just love everything He gives you? — Francis Chan Copy Share Image
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Some actors try to play parts and do things they can't do. Being funny is one of them. Being funny's hard. — Tom Sizemore Copy Share Image
If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
