Funny Quotes · Page 5

Some nights I'm funny with the between-song commentary, some nights I'm not. I have no control over this. I pace the stage…

— David Berman

It's only a thought and a thought can be changed. Choose good ones.

— Wayne Dyer

Vaster is Man than his works.

— Rockwell Kent

Like funny men, skilled diners are apparently perceived to have an evolutionary advantage.

— Dana Goodyear

I dont take pictures with Niggas

— Michael Jordan

I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

— Jeremy Riddle

“I cannot go to school today" Said little Peggy Ann McKay. "I have the measles and the mumps, A gash, a rash…

— Shel Silverstein

Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don't know what they want until they…

— Nikhil Saluja

Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.

— Henry Ward Beecher

My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.

— Carl Barron

There were people asking 'Can women be funny?' People still ask that. It's like asking: 'Can women breathe in and out?'

— Julie Walters

A woman who is careful with her words is a gift to all who know her.

— Lysa TerKeurst

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

— Rodney Dangerfield

Read more learn more, change the globe

— Nas

Let's go see a movie about a teenage girl's decision between necrophilia and bestiality.

— Anonymous

Change of any sort requires courage.

— Mary Anne Radmacher

Better than the one who knows what is right is the one who loves what is right.

— Confucius

I believe there should be a better way to start each day...instead of waking up every morning...

— Anonymous

I loved 'Funny Lady' for whatever reason. People say they didn't know I could sing and dance. Well, nobody ever asks me…

— James Caan

You arent the only one sitting home alone on a Saturday night. Wonder if your future boyfriend/girlfriend is doing the same thing…

— Anonymous

I auditioned for the leading role in 'The Kissing Booth' that came out on Netflix, funny enough.

— Noah Centineo

Almost any decision is better than no decision at all.

— Brian Tracy

Don't ever sell mankind short by saying there's anything they can't do.

— Fredric Brown

Today, a friend and I had a discussion about dinosaurs and came to the conclusion that T-Rex's were only angry and aggressive…

— Anonymous

Do I Stank or was it already Stanky in Here?

— Frank B. Wilderson III