Funny Quotes · Page 178

Don't come on to be funny - come on to solve problems.

— Keith Johnstone

The news and the truth are not the same thing.

— Walter Lippmann

I am the drum on which God is beating out his message.

— Joan of Arc

You cannot be anything that you point to.

— Mooji

It's not what you appreciate; it's that you appreciate.

— Hannibal

Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.

— Yogi Berra

You can't measure success if you have never failed.

— Steffi Graf

Thank you very Much, I enjoyed myself

— Richard P. Feynman

We learn through experience and experiencing, and no one teaches anyone anything.

— Viola Spolin

“One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.”

— Joyce Rachelle

I can’t see, unless the weather changes, the conditions changing dramatically.

— Peter Alliss

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his…

— Chic Murray

Hen my dad says to be home at 11.30, he doesn't mean be in the driveway, but inside the house by myself.

— Anonymous

I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, 5% Friday!

— Anonymous

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack…

— Rodney Dangerfield

You must always learn to see yourself as a great advancing soul.

— Wallace D. Wattles

I'm always getting a lot of second looks. People look at me funny. It's like, 'Are you from a different planet?'

— Shawn Bradley

It's hard to say you're a comedian because that is almost an admittance that you're funny, and if you say that, you…

— Alex Brooker

*Son walks in on dad in the shower* Son: Dad what's that hairy thing between your legs Dad: Well son that's the…

— Anonymous

I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just…

— Stephen Schneider

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my…

— Jim Gaffigan

I asked my friend if he wanted to hear something funny, He said yes, I replied my wife left me. He waited…

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

“I’d like to make it clear from the start that I am gay, gay, gay. Like, when I come out of the…

— Gwen Hayes

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

— Spike Milligan

If someone is responsible, it's me,

— Fidel Castro

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

— Oscar Levant

If it were up to me, I'd take away the guns

— Cheryl Wheeler

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

— Groucho Marx

I'm a scamp. I don't deny it. I like myself.

— Jack Nicholson

Happiness is a by product of service.

— William J. Critchlow, Jr

Let's see if I get myself with this one.

— Jon-Erik Hexum

LOVE Is Blind.. and MARRIAGE Opens The Eyes

— Ritu Ghatourey

Choose clients as you would friends.

— Charlie Munger

Youre only yourself when no ones watching!

— Suzan-Lori Parks

Lebron: I'm proposing to my girl. Kobe: With what?

— Anonymous

My greatest achievement is my huge failure.

— Green Monk

I'm on a seafood diet - I see food, I eat it.

— Dolly Parton

Wind is to us what money is to life on shore.

— Sterling Hayden

I am here to fix the problem with yer pheaun.

— Peter Sellers

I'd date you so hard, then marry the shit out of you.

— Anonymous