“For better sleep tonight, pre-order your duck fight today. It’ll give your pillow the energy you need to power slumber through to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People have been stabbed over spicy chicken sandwiches. The duck farm industry could benefit from that kind of violence to help increase… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like my duck eggs runny, like Roger Bannister when he broke the four-minute mile barrier.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Have you ever seen how fast ducks can waddle when chased? If I were to ever run a marathon, I'd model my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most ducks have legs like orange spatulas. Those must be lazy swimmers. Mine have thighs like Michael Phelps in the summer of 2008.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm a duck farmer. Am I the world's best duck farmer? Probably not, but there's no official ranking, and I'm a modest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“BearPaw Duck Farm tours are no longer at 4:00. Tours are now at 3:60, like a circle, which gives us more time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ducks are practically defenseless, and as a result, they have many predators. There are foxes, coyotes, wolves, raccoons, bobcats, hawks, and Janet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wooden scrabble letters offer a whole forest of literature, tiled down for easy shower installment. If you limit your use to only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ducks give me eggs, and I took two of those eggs and nurtured them under a dome to produce two ducklings.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people put more thought into what kind of car to buy than what kind of mate to marry. I think that's… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why is a talkative person called a Chatty Cathy? That phrase possesses brevity, when someone verbose should instead be called a Chattering… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would give you my grandma’s slow-knitted Duck Soup dance-routine recipe, but my grandpa sold it to Roger Bannister for three minutes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A boring machine, would it drill holes—or put you to sleep? The two-party political system, that’s a boring machine, though voters are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Coaching is the only thing where the more someone else practices, the better you get. That’s my kind of hard work. People… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out some doors need to be pulled to be opened. I like to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Poe is to poetry what I am to duck farming. You can quote me on that. And if that’s not good enough,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
