Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
