My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and .… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
