The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
