Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up .… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
