I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote". — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
