I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“This is 911 dispatch, and the nature of your emergency… fire, ambulance, police or… physics?” — Simon Oliver Copy Share Image
“Why is It called breaKing news cause it might break your heart or mIndset” — efiba progress Copy Share Image
“So let me get this straight---May's a virgin, lesbian, doppleganger, wyvern's mate?” — Katie MacAlister Copy Share Image
I think comedy's harder to pull off on the screen than on the stage, anyway. Tragedy is easier on the screen... oddly… — Sam Shepard Copy Share Image
“Celebrity Retrieval? I've never heard of them." "They're a kind of private Blackwater.” — Laura Castoro Copy Share Image
The French aren't known for being hilarious. When I told Parisians I was interested in French humor, they'd say 'French what?' — Pamela Druckerman Copy Share Image
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“Don’t try to make a joke just to make a joke. Sometimes, as human beings, we so want to fit in and… — Susan C. Young Copy Share Image
“He reminded me of Gerald Roma from grade school, who used to burn ants with a magnifying glass. He was never quite… — Darynda Jones Copy Share Image
“Why didn't they warn us at school? I'm sure if some teacher had said, "Oh and by the way, it feels like… — Kate Long Copy Share Image
“How do the eyes see? I don’t think the scientists have a clue about that one. There is a science within science… — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
“Taylor and Niall are watching their personal assistant prospects waiting to be interviewed. "Leave them sitting there until one of them shows… — Barbara Elsborg Copy Share Image
I think people were not expecting us [with Robert Ben Garant] to, they were just like, "Well here come the writers," but… — Thomas Lennon Copy Share Image
“*marissa tries to get her single, working mother's attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:* 'You're a smart girl. Use… — Camille Noe Pagan Copy Share Image
“A robin perched on the branch of the apple tree, his feathers ruffled, his red chest blazing. 'No need to look so… — Felix Salten Copy Share Image
If a great comedy landed on my doorstep, I would find it hard to say no. — Eric Bana Copy Share Image
“We’ve found his lair in a mortal city called York—” “It’s New York,” Stelian said with a roll of his eyes, as… — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
“My imagination was running amok again. Twice in one night. This never happens when I’m sitting in front of a typewriter.” — Gary Reilly Copy Share Image
“Oh, and I need to known where Jersey is and if I have enough money to buy it.” — Anna Banks Copy Share Image
“people without sense of humor aren't much fun to be around, no matter how far they've gotten.” — Jane Stanton Hitchcock Copy Share Image
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli a lot more fun to hunt! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men. — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
“When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.” — Rosen Trevithick Copy Share Image
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything.… — Christopher Hitchens Copy Share Image
Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible. — Elisha Cuthbert Copy Share Image
“He who walks with the wise will be wise, Scripture saith, and he who walks with the witty will eventually start to… — Douglas Wilson Copy Share Image
“Standards only move in one direction. At the beginning of the world, standards were established and they've been slipping ever since.” — Edward Stevenson Copy Share Image
If chocolate was a guy...he'd totally be my boyfriend. He knows how to comfort me in all the right ways. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The height of a man’s wall or fence is usually a reflection of the depth or shallowness of his neighbours’ pockets.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“To be the altar boy at the first Mass of the day was a sacred initiation rite. It was like being hazed… — Ian Morgan Cron Copy Share Image
“My father looked on in disbelief, overwhelmed that his son had been taught to eat glass and relish it.” — Tahir Shah Copy Share Image
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Anyone ever tell you that you’re too damned stubborn for your own good?” [...] With my sweet disposition? I’ve never heard such… — Jennifer Ellision Copy Share Image
The world belongs to those who set out to conquer it armed with self confidence and good humour. — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Drama is easier to do because you just have to have the emotion and not get caught acting, but comedy is much… — Patrick Dempsey Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“I have to say, old friend, you were supposed to help train her, not drop her off a cliff.” — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
“What I want is a beautiful and sophisticated piece of ass that happens to be 'bi.” — Scott Jonathan Nixon Copy Share Image
“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster.” Friedrich Nietzsche” — Skip Clark Copy Share Image
![“I think people were not expecting us [with Robert Ben Garant] to, they were just like, "Well here come the writers," but we both were coming out of a sketch comedy background, so when we pitch a movie, we play every character in the film. You act it out, you perform it - you do a 10-minute…” quote by Thomas Lennon](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/afc/thomas-lennon-16150_backgrounds_i-think-people-were-not-expecting-us-wit_2516035.png)
![“Anyone ever tell you that you’re too damned stubborn for your own good?” [...] With my sweet disposition? I’ve never heard such a thing.” quote by Jennifer Ellision](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/fa2/jennifer-ellision-39346_funny_anyone-ever-tell-you-that-you-re-too-dam_1221784.jpg)
