Humor Quotes · Page 457

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

— Adam Carolla

“First rule of a good shrink is probably to pay attention to the whining.”

— Gayle Friesen

“The coding was anachronistic, kind of like bokeh in a renaissance painting.”

— Sorin Suciu

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

— Steven Wright

The connective tissue between storytelling, advice, and comedy is passion.

— Lauren Lapkus

You have to know where the funny is, and if you know where the funny is, you know everything.

— Sheila Heti

“For everyone knows that a girl cannot live on chicken cordon blue alone.”

— Lindsay Eland

When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, 'Oh, are you funny?' I say, 'No, it's not that kind of comedy.'

— Susan Sarandon

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.…

— Mitch Hedberg

“[Leo] lunged at Passalos, but the red-furred dwarf was too quick. He sprang from his chair, bounced off Jason’s head, did a…

— Rick Riordan

We may observe in humorous authors that the faults they chiefly ridicule have often a likeness in themselves. Cervantes had much of…

— Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton

I really like the stuff that is very absurd and very real at the same time. I think Anton Chekhov is the…

— Rainn Wilson

“I'd never seen a guy get the shit kicked out of him without a punch being landed, but there's a first time…

— Michael Harmon

As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness…

— Stephen Fry

I wouldn't say I have comedy chops. I guess you get lucky with good writing because I don't think I'm a comedian…

— Michael Pena

“New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's…

— Bill Maher

In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

— Albert Camus

“Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew — in jeggings.”

— Nenia Campbell

I have made films on humor of poverty because I have lived in a lower middle class family.

— Priyadarshan

“On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children.”

— Allie Brosh

Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that Humour excites in those who lack it.

— George Saintsbury

“I don’t want to be your snack, your chew-toy, your fuck-buddy. Find a vampire to sink your fang into.”

— Nalini Singh

“Yesterday I played a round of golf. I just kept hitting the ball in circles, but never getting it in the circles…

— Jarod Kintz

Almost all comedy is of its time. You can't expect audiences now to laugh at what amused people 60 years ago.

— Denis Norden

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

— Natasha Leggero

God must have a sense of humor? Why a man weakness must be a woman ass? when he was programming the boys…

— Glen Rambharack

His sense of humor is purely cheap vaudeville, yet everyone falls for it.

— Lisa Lutz

In Britain people might know me more for my comedy writing background, things like that.

— Charlie Brooker

My family has been amazing, and they understand how blessed I am. They've been able to keep my sense of humor.

— Karen Duffy

“The pre-frontal region of the Peking man resembles that found in some parts of the Middle West.”

— Will Cuppy

“She wears those old fashioned pj's like body armour. Going to bed these days is like wresting with Kevlar.”

— Poppet

“He came up to me and kissed my neck, cupping the side of my face with his hand. He whispered, "Now give…

— Elle Parker

“You always kiss on the first date?" "Not usually until after the duct-tape.”

— Leslea Tash

I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember.

— George W. Bush

“She told her daughter to never marry for money, the price is too high. But, don't hang out at the trailer park…

— Dawn Galland

When I first started watching stand-up, I fell in love with American comedy before British comedy.

— Romesh Ranganathan

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh,…

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm a prankster, so some of the - you know, I like a good joke. I think when it's funny, it's funny.

— Sean Spicer

“We want to fight.” “And I want J.K. Rowling to keep writing in the Potterverse, but I know that’s never going to…

— Laura Kreitzer

Optimism isn't funny unless you are laughing at the person, whereas extreme pessimism is extremely funny. It's exaggeration.

— Steve Toltz