“Coitus interruptus by SWAT team. At last a form of birth control that was one hundred percent reliable.” — Laura Lippman Copy Share Image
“Just think how it would look if a reader walked into a café you'd recommended and found it taken over by vegetarians.” — Anne Tyler Copy Share Image
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
“Their patch was a molecule with fangs under the words exite! chemicus sum! Which was Latin for, Back off, man! I'm a… — Larry Correia Copy Share Image
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
“Every time I hear about somebody who wins a never-work-again sum in the lottery but keeps his or her day job I… — Amy Elizabeth Smith Copy Share Image
I wanted to do a film which was in the not-so-serious zone and wanted to try comedy. — Akshara Haasan Copy Share Image
“Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.” — Anissa Rafeh Copy Share Image
“Baby, you keep doing that and we are going to need Giana to get her ass in here to take care of… — Sadie Grubor Copy Share Image
“I feel like grabbing my crotch and checking to see if my balls are still there because I think they may be… — Katja Millay Copy Share Image
I majored in extracurriculars, honestly. I joined the Harvard Stand Up Comedy Society, which is a ragtag band of misfits. I wrote… — Alexandra Petri Copy Share Image
It's all there-the boredom, the devotion, the horror and even the humor in an industrial war fought on a global scale that… — Barrett Tillman Copy Share Image
The best part of life is not just surviving, but thriving with passion, compassion, humor, generosity, and kindness, and using these tools… — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
I'm not addicted to facebook! You know, I just use it whenever I have time. Lunch time, break time, bed time, off… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Day had gotten a little nervous during one session when the doctor asked God how he would handle someone hurting Day now… — A.E. Via Copy Share Image
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins,… — Samuel Butler Copy Share Image
“Color is powerful. It is almost physiologically impossible to be in a bad mood when you're wearing bright red pants.” — Jessi Arrington Copy Share Image
“The Nevernever," she murmured, almost to herself, "I'm in the Nevernever. I'm in freaking faeryland.” — Julie Kagawa Copy Share Image
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“We've all got trashy friends, but we should choose our trashy friends with more care.” — Dominick Dunne Copy Share Image
“I was court-martialed in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my… — Thomas Hardy Copy Share Image
“-The Lord says to forgive is devine. -The Lord didn't go to high school with you.” — Dakota Cassidy Copy Share Image
“I think there is a difference between comic essays and war reporting, and people can tell that.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I look at my laughter lines and wonder what on earth could have been that funny.” — Mark Lamprell Copy Share Image
'Rubberneck' has nothing to do with comedy, nor does it follow comedic people. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.” — Amy Summers Copy Share Image
I'm a Sit Down Stand Up Comedian, whatever the hell that is. Maybe a writer with a short attention span and one… — Rock Cowles Copy Share Image
“Have you ever listened to folk music? Let's face it, a lot of folk music is all about dead sailors, mad witches,… — Marie Browne Copy Share Image
Why can't we give the American people a break and separate humor from politics? — Dan Crenshaw Copy Share Image
A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other. — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
“Our names and titles are assigned randomly by a small monkey who has been fed an exceedingly large amount of gin.” — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
“O sangramento da lua só me deixa abalada durante três dias num mês. Uma pila torna um homem potencialmente estúpido a qualquer… — Anne Bishop Copy Share Image
I was able to read poets that were - allowed me to be humorous without being silly. — Billy Collins Copy Share Image
I've done comedy most of my career, which I love, but I wanted to expand. — Katey Sagal Copy Share Image
“... my heart skips a beat. Seriously, like a CD from the public library, it goes ZZebbTTT and skips.” — Brent Crawford Copy Share Image
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If anything had happened to Bob, I wouldn't have carried on. Me and Bob are a comedy unit. — Vic Reeves Copy Share Image
“Gay people should be allowed to get married. Just because somebody's gay doesn't mean he shouldn't suffer like the rest of us” — Jeff Shaw Copy Share Image
