Humor Quotes · Page 283

“As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.”

— Andy Weir

“It was all kind of fuzzy, as if his mind was doing its thinking in limericks.”

— Sorin Suciu

“It took me a while to realize that I was beginning to flirt with her. The food must have been poisoned.”

— Justin Villanueva

“My first kiss as a single woman. It sent a tingle sprinting down my spine like a tingle panther.”

— Rosen Trevithick

Our comedy is just falling over, funny faces, arguments, all the comedy basics, really.

— Bob Mortimer

Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure.

— Amos Bronson Alcott

The first step of any journey must be taken with daring in your heart. Don't let fear clog your arteries

— T.S. Welti

“...but I’d learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them.”

— Ripley Patton

“Dr. Pervy-Pants Dr. Depravity Dr. Ain't-Puttin'-Out Dr. Bossy-as-Fuck Dr. Obsessive-Compulsive Dr. Kinkybones Dr. Deviant Dr. Oh-So-Proper-I-Iron-My-Jeans Dr. Lick-My-Boots Dr. Smug-as-Shit Dr. Love-Me-Love-My-Butt-Nozzle…

— Finn Marlowe

Before I got addicted to comedy, I was seriously thinking about playing tennis full time. I joined the tennis team and played…

— Carrot Top

The first show that my dad and my mom did together was for, was a comedy series, a short form that went…

— Brian Henson

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme…

— Mitch Hedberg

“Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?…

— Samuel Grant Oliphant

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"…

— Henny Youngman

I don't consider myself a funny girl, but I do have a sense of humor because I don't take myself too seriously.…

— Stephanie Sigman

“Always remember, there’s no such thing as luck, nothing happens by chance, and all is by divine intervention. You’re like a magnet,…

— Diana Anderson

A lot of romantic comedies are just light romantic dramas, or the comedy comes off second-best.

— Graeme Simsion

“Honestly, Im having trouble with the fact that youre having difficulty believing us. You are the only one in the room levitating.”

— Dakota Cassidy

“If you took everything I’d ever found hot in a girl and piled them into a corner, you’d get Cricket Hunt standing…

— Fisher Amelie

“You can lead a horse to water but only very rarely can you drown him and get away with it.”

— Sue Perry

I'm really spectacularly thick in all areas of my life except comedy and science. I'm crap at everything else.

— Ben Miller

I have always suspected skim milk was gay. For god's sake, it has homogenized right on the carton.

— Anonymous

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be…

— Golda Meir

“Denial-it's the glue barely holding millions of American families together.”

— Drew Ferguson

“The only way I won't be re-elected is if I were found in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.”

— Edwin Edwards

“Hell, I suppose if you stick around long enough they have to say something nice about you.”

— Ava Gardner

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

— Chris Rock

I happen to like things that are funny and dramatic at the same time. I don't see the difference.

— Drew Goddard

“[T]he princesses were beautiful as the day is long and so noble they, they could pee through a dozen mattresses-”

— Terry Pratchett

“That's all you've got for me?" I drew a long breath and let it out slowly. "You know. I might be able…

— Jayde Scott

One night I attended a Laughing Liberally comedy show. There was one funny comedian there - Lee Camp.

— Matt Labash

I needed to be more self-determining, and the most self-determining thing you can do in comedy is stand-up.

— Neal Brennan

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

— Woody Allen

Comedy is difficult, especially slapstick. The trick is to have fun while you are performing it.

— Maureen O'Hara

It's a secret club, people that have a certain sense of humor, and it doesn't matter whether it's a romantic situation or…

— Ron Mael

“Life, on Hardcore mode, she thought with a twinge of bleak humor. No do-overs. No save files. Harper”

— Annie Bellet

“Holy crap, you are like a dog with a bone,” I commented to Ryan. “Or just one with a boner.”

— Stacey Marie Brown

A true friend doesn't have guts; they beat you up and later plead with you to beat them back.

— Michael Bassey Johnson

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.

— Garrison Keillor

Where I find it very difficult to get comedy from and where I naturally don't go is human suffering.

— Omid Djalili