Humor Quotes · Page 210

“What goes up must come down, unless a dragon eats it.”

— Brian Rathbone

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

— Henny Youngman

I can't talk to babies in my normal voice.

— Anonymous

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

— Dane Cook

“Were you born stupid, Heinrich, or did you have to study?”

— Robert A. Heinlein

“Love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops.”

— William Goldman

“That's right, kid. Never play an ace if a two will do.”

— Jeff Smith

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

— Bo Burnham

I think fans are going to get everything you'd expect from 'The Office', from awkwardness, to a lot of humor and heart.

— Craig Robinson

“The height of a man’s wall or fence is usually a reflection of the depth or shallowness of his neighbours’ pockets.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If chocolate was a guy...he'd totally be my boyfriend. He knows how to comfort me in all the right ways.

— Anonymous

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.

— Chris Rock

“When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.”

— Rosen Trevithick

“Standards only move in one direction. At the beginning of the world, standards were established and they've been slipping ever since.”

— Edward Stevenson

Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible.

— Elisha Cuthbert

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything.…

— Christopher Hitchens

“How many plays have been written in France?' Candide asked the abbe. 'Five or six thousand.' 'That's a lot,' said Candide. 'How…

— Voltaire

“Eva," she said exasperated. "You should've established a personal style by now-and it shouldn't be sweats!" Monica, Eva Tramell's mother, in "Reflected…

— Sylvia Day

“And for God's sake, don't let her watch Cinderella. What kind of example is that? A mindless twit who can't even remember…

— Emma Chase

“Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "if you were a vampire, this would have been a lot more…

— Cassandra Clare

“I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end.…

— Kris D'Agostino

I'll read, like, ten scripts, and then sometimes if I'm lucky, there will be two or three scripts that I like, and…

— Michael Pena

“It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth…

— Mindy Levy

“Yes, his ear. I was attracted to his ear. While I was in church. I'm pretty sure that solidifies my position as…

— Amanda Hamm

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

— Steven Wright

“If sarcasm were a virtue, I'd be the most righteous man alive.”

— Simeon Stoychev

Comedy clubs are sacred ground. That's where anything goes.

— Tracy Morgan

“M.T. Stone was the poster boy for what an assassin should look like.”

— Mary Buckham

It's my first trip as president of the United States.

— George W. Bush

Stand-up comedy and poverty. Those were my two main endeavors.

— Dave Foley

People who can dance and sing are often very good at comedy.

— John Michael Higgins

“If you're in your own bed, you're not passed out.”

— Charles F. Hedges

A fool and his money are soon partying.

— Steven Wright

“Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.”

— Ljupka Cvetanova

Comedy is not something that a person can fake or learn how to do.

— Lizzy Caplan

Being sick is the reason I went into comedy.

— Vanessa Bayer

“There is no precognition - there is only cognition.”

— Art Hochberg

“If I could throw Nelly out the door without killing him, I would.”

— Sarah Lyons Fleming

Don't write about what you don't know even if you don't know it.

— Gertrude Stein

“To think or not to think? That is the new question.”

— Nadina Boun