“He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“My first boyfriend was black as well, but that doesn't prove I'm color-blind, just that I like big butts.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I think there is a difference between comic essays and war reporting, and people can tell that.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You know you're young when someone asks you for money and you take it as a compliment.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“This grown man who now phones his father to say, "Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Humor is necessary - it allows the reader to come up for air before dunking them under again. I need humor and… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Dad followed his I’m-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities. “You’re going to study literature and get a job doing what?”… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe. Sure.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Sex is what you boast about when you have no exterior signs of wealth. It's a way of saying, "Look, I might… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with ingredients for all the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm a witty person. To me, a witty person is a funny person who is also a smart person.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The walking tour guides one through the city's various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Neither were we allowed to choose what we ate. I have a friend whose seven-year-old will only consider something if it's white.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I think if you write humor, then people don't - you know - they don't give you that much credit. They tend… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The autopsy took place in the morning and was the best argument for the buddy systemI had ever seen. Never live alone,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis?… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You’ve got her mad now and there’s no turning back. All she has to do is go to the authorities, saying you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d rather not think about –… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It's astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex - trying to determine what goes where and… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Cand nu aveam de munca, preferam sa dorm cat de mult puteam - undeva intre dousprezece si paisprezece ore mi se parea… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Pandas and rain forests are never mentioned when it comes to the millions of people taking joyrides in their Range Rovers. Rather,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Sex," the driver said, "Has no one ever told you about it?" I took the New York Times from my carry-on bag… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I pulled back because I am not a hugger. Never have been. When someone wraps their arms around me, I shut down… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Though we were forbidden to speak anything but French, the teacher would occasionally use us to practice any of her five fluent… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I often see people on the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets. I tend to avoid leaflets but it breaks… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I spent months searching for some secret code before I realized that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression:… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot… — David Sedaris Copy Share
