“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Here I am, just turned fifty, and I forgot that my father isn’t dead yet!” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Drawing attention to Gretchen's weight was the sort of behavior my mother referred to as 'stirring the turd,' and I did it… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“This grown man who now phones his father to say, "Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Good girl, Rachel. Now, let’s get the hell out of here. Your mother has a headache that won’t quit until you’re twenty-one” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You kids might think you’re close, but just wait until your father and I are gone, and you’re left to divide up… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Today a child told Santa Ken that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“There are things you forget naturally-computer passwords, your father's continuing relationship with life-and then there are things you can't forget that you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I don’t know that it had anything to do with us,” my father said. But how could it have not? Doesn’t the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father." He weared the long hair,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American women with sunglasses, always searching… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“We'd all turn our backs on privilege, but comfortably, the way you can when you still have access to it. No one… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Whenever I write about my family, I start by getting my parent's approval. I like to think I write about them with… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
There are a lot of college writing textbooks that will include essays and short stories, and after reading the story or essay,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The child opened her beak even wider, and the stork let out a moan. “It really wouldn’t hurt you to take an… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching their brain aneurysm or… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“In my house, our parents put us to bed with two simple words: “Shut up.” That was always the last thing we… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“May 9, 1989 Again this year I made Mom a Mother's Day card. It reads: M is for the Morbid things you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I’m sure my father said plenty of normal things to me when I was growing up, but what stuck, probably because he… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that resemble disfigured celebrities, and… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“All these young mothers chauffeuring their volcanic three-year-olds through the grocery store. The child's name always sounds vaguely presidental, and he or… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Unlike my father, who blindly churned out one canvas after another, I had real ideas about the artistic life. Seated at my… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“What were you asleep? Helen would say as I opened the door. "I've been up since five." In her hand would be… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“She knew what my mother did not: either you want a clean floor or you want to use a mop, but you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“She just happens to be my father, young man, and I'd appreciate it of you'd show her a little respect.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I don’t know why it was, exactly, but nothing irritated my father quite like the sound of his children’s happiness. Group crying,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“If I'd been burned alive because of bad grades, my parents would have killed me, especially my father, who meant well but… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popeye, our calico… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making love in… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The two of you grew apart,' my mother would say. She made it sound as if we'd veered off in different directions,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers of beer, and an enormous… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
There’s a lot I don’t tell my father when he calls asking after Amy. He wouldn’t understand that she has no interest… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“What's wrong?" he said. "I'll tell you what's wrong: you're killing us." "But I thought that's what you wanted?" "We did," my… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I spent months searching for some secret code before I realized that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression:… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot… — David Sedaris Copy Share
![“I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they would make the perfect pet bowls. The mugs were set on the kitchen floor and remained there until the cat chipped a tooth and went on a hunger strike.” quote by David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/e0a/david-sedaris-333_accepted_i-gave-my-mother-a-matching-set-of-mugs_1135011.jpg)
