“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Missing a nose. With these children Santa has to be careful not to ask, "And what would you like for Christmas?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“At around five, I took the L home. A woman near me had a three-year-old child on her lap, a girl, who… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In the Netherlands now, I imagine it's legal to marry your own children. Get them pregnant, and you can abort your unborn… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Either he was suffering a terrible case of gas or he had a pint-size child practicing the trumpet in his back pocket.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I don’t know why it was, exactly, but nothing irritated my father quite like the sound of his children’s happiness. Group crying,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Today a child told Santa Ken that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The child opened her beak even wider, and the stork let out a moan. “It really wouldn’t hurt you to take an… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“In my house, our parents put us to bed with two simple words: “Shut up.” That was always the last thing we… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The houses looked like something a child might draw, a row of shaky squares with triangles on top. Add a door, add… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
No one reads to hear someone complain about the weather or how poorly their children are behaving. You have to give the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“All these young mothers chauffeuring their volcanic three-year-olds through the grocery store. The child's name always sounds vaguely presidental, and he or… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I don't know how these couples do it, spend hours each night tucking their kids in, reading them books about misguided kittens… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I look into the future and see my brother's face, impossibly middle-aged. His daughter has rejected all of his values, and stands… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Even as a child I was fascinated by death, not in a spiritual sense, but in an aesthetic one. A hamster or… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I spent months searching for some secret code before I realized that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression:… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot… — David Sedaris Copy Share
