“Good girl, Rachel. Now, let’s get the hell out of here. Your mother has a headache that won’t quit until you’re twenty-one” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“She knew what my mother did not: either you want a clean floor or you want to use a mop, but you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American women with sunglasses, always searching… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
And one of the things I noticed pretty early on in art school was that my classmates had no notion of an… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The two of you grew apart,' my mother would say. She made it sound as if we'd veered off in different directions,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
There are a lot of college writing textbooks that will include essays and short stories, and after reading the story or essay,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always, though, while tripping and stumbling to the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The child opened her beak even wider, and the stork let out a moan. “It really wouldn’t hurt you to take an… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching their brain aneurysm or… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“May 9, 1989 Again this year I made Mom a Mother's Day card. It reads: M is for the Morbid things you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“What were you asleep? Helen would say as I opened the door. "I've been up since five." In her hand would be… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I had paid for my folly and, as a reward, was invited to take part in the nest builder’s performance piece. The… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertaining, but you can't get… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I spent months searching for some secret code before I realized that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression:… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot… — David Sedaris Copy Share
![“I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they would make the perfect pet bowls. The mugs were set on the kitchen floor and remained there until the cat chipped a tooth and went on a hunger strike.” quote by David Sedaris](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/e0a/david-sedaris-333_accepted_i-gave-my-mother-a-matching-set-of-mugs_1135011.jpg)
