True bravery is to arrive home ... fully drunk.. a late night out.. and mom waiting with a jharu in hand and… — Sadie Copy Share Image
“You're jealous of a bird?" she asks. "What? No!" I snap. I just don’t think I like peacocks very much. "You're jealous… — Mia Sheridan Copy Share Image
I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I hear a lot of people singing in funny voices and singing like they're stupid. Singing in a deliberately fey and dumb… — Daryl Hall Copy Share Image
A minister of state is excusable for the harm he does when the helm of government has forced his hand in a… — Voltaire Copy Share Image
Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“There you are. A simple commandment. Not ten of them, just one: 'Thou shalt not eat.' (Personally, I wish the very first… — Liz curtis higgs Copy Share Image
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I messed up my eyes. It's funny, I was training and we thought I had a mild concussion. But you know, I… — Derek Brunson Copy Share Image
He's a very natural chap. The public David Essex is the same as the private one. He's laid-back, charming, funny. There's no… — Tim Rice Copy Share Image
There's a specific location in Hong Kong called Mong Kok. There's a stereotype that people there dress funny, they're rude, etc. Just… — Jackson Wang Copy Share Image
“Do you have ovaries?" Jacob asked. I shot him a look. "Yes" He slid down the back of the couch and sat… — J. Lynn Copy Share Image
As a writer myself, my job has very often been to also write on the job. So you get the script and… — Sally Phillips Copy Share Image
“It’s not really wine,” he said. “It’s Diet Coke. And if anyone ever serves you brown wine with a foamy head, send… — Jennifer Echols Copy Share Image
The funny thing is that the fashions from the '90s seem to sit so well with the fashions of 2016. Everything from… — Edward Enninful Copy Share Image
I was very drunk last night and I took a bus home. It may not sound like a big thing to you… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Music ignited a fiery, pent-up passion inside Elvis and inside me. It was an odd, embarrassing, funny, inspiring, and wonderful sensation. — Ann-Margret Copy Share Image
We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white… — Hannibal Buress Copy Share Image
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
His smile. His lips. His laugh. His hair. His eyes. His hands. Hishumour. His smirk. His weird faces. Not a name was… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sure, I am funny and have a good sense of humor. Mostly, though, I just tell the truth. The internal dialogue people… — Kara Swisher Copy Share Image
“I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using… — Renita D'Silva Copy Share Image
I think dem mfs should just leave Miley Cyrus alone...they just actN like dat cause she waz on da Disney channel like… — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
Good Friend; Will lend you money and not expect you to pay them back. Best Friend; Will lend you money and then… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [Madea his Nikki with a belt] Why wasn't you at school today? Nikki: I went to the park. Mable… — Madea Copy Share Image
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Throw all caution to the wind, today, on your 40th No need to have wisdom and sage But tomorrow, as you start… — John Walter Bratton Copy Share Image
Perhaps I should have pointed out more often that without her (mother's) guidance and example I might have gone straight from short… — Clive James Copy Share Image
When Frank the Pug is singing I Will Survive, the only reason it's funny is that Will is in that shot trying… — Barry Sonnenfeld Copy Share Image
“You think it’s funny?” Shay said with annoyance. “Yes.” Her friend paused to get her laughter under control. “I’m sorry. It’s just… — Lindsey Brookes Copy Share Image
Roses are red violet are blue a face like you belongs to the zoo don't worry I'll the too not in the… — Tania Copy Share Image
A friend of mine, now retired, was then a major exec at a major bank, and one of her jobs, the last… — Donald E. Westlake Copy Share Image
“Many a parent, sad to say, has used their child as an opportunity for them, the parent, to do, through their child,… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
If your relationship status says, It's complicated maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to Single — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
It's hard in comedy. Everyone's like, 'Oh, I don't want to be pretty! I want to be funny.' It's such a trope,… — Chloe Fineman Copy Share Image
JaVale McGee is one of the smartest guys I know. Like, he's a nerd, plays with gadgets, and is into technology. He's… — Andre Iguodala Copy Share Image
“I'm thirty-six years old and I've been married once and he left and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Like… — Noah Hawley Copy Share Image
“Seriousness is too boring to the playful human condition. A heart of stone that has a long face can never express love.” — Michael Bassey Johnson Copy Share Image
![“Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [Madea his Nikki with a belt] Why wasn't you at school today? Nikki: I went to the park. Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Why'd you go to the park? You need to be going to schoolhouse. Nikki: I'm not smart. Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Who told you that? Nikki: My last foster mother, she…” quote by Madea](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/de6/madea-3628_funny_mable-madea-simmons-madea-his-nikki-with_1092469.jpg)
