So much of a stand-up's life is doing live radio and having to be funny and quick on the spot with these… — Aisha Tyler Copy Share Image
I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“I brought you a snack," Takumi said, dropping an oatmeal cream pie onto my book. "Very nutritious," I smiled. "You've got your… — John Green Copy Share Image
“ The Puffer Fish: Wherein the author flaunts his vocabulary. His father was IRA and his mother was Quebecois, and they had… — Howard Mittelmark Copy Share Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“The big knight fell heavily to the ground, and lay there, as nearly dead as possible. His servants came running from the… — Roger Lancelyn Green Copy Share Image
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I've been naked in a lot of my movies. There's something inherently funny about the naked male body, particularly mine. — Paul Rudd Copy Share Image
U r a nice person¦ but..U have to do 2 things early in the morning¦ 1st. pray to God so that u… — A Josland Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When a cop says get on your knees and put ur hands in the sky, then hand cuffs u, it probably just… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Why were things funny? Was God laughing at us? Or was laughter the dispensation of God? Maybe laughter itself was Godlike. When… — Richard Tillotson Copy Share Image
I thought the idea Jim [Carrey] had, which was to do a comedic version of movies like The Hand That Rocks The… — Judd Apatow Copy Share Image
You Can Waste It Or Use It For Good! What You Do Today Is Important Because You Are Exchanging A Day Of… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It's funny because everyone says, 'Oh you're reclusive; you don't do social media,' but it's not about being reclusive. I like direct… — Banks Copy Share Image
It is not my business to think about myself. My business is to think about God. It is for God to think… — Simone Weil Copy Share Image
“ What the hell is so funny?", He snapped. His hands now planted on his hips. Claire waved a dismissive hand, "… — Andria Large Copy Share Image
I'm not going to bag on people and make funny jokes about my opponent. I just respect every opponent I go in… — Joseph Benavidez Copy Share Image
“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Ok so I have to put this out there. I'm so fucking tired of people trying to say people who are suicidal… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
But the way they phrase those things when you get to the voting booth, you don't know which way you're voting, cause… — Kyle Cease Copy Share Image
It takes truth to live with a swiftly changing world. Nothing less than truth can survive. You cannot survive with anything less… — L. Ron Hubbard Copy Share Image
“I hated meatloaf. It was like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. So I told Mom because I… — Hayden Thorne Copy Share Image
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball,… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
There have always been funny women. But in some ways, it takes a while for there to be women who were watching… — Megan Ganz Copy Share Image
Actually the best thing I did was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks… — Steve Coogan Copy Share Image
“A shadow crossed Andrea's face. "I don't want to be his TWT-IHFB." "What does that mean?" "That Weird Thing I Haven't Fucked… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
Australians are decent people with the right instincts and they wish everybody well; but if all is not well, it is none… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
It's funny because, based on the music I was making before, if you'd asked me who was the one gatekeeper or influencer… — Maggie Rogers Copy Share Image
*What happens when me and my mom get bored* Me: *dancing* Mom: What are you doing? Me: I'm dropping it like it's… — Danielle Boyd Copy Share Image
“How are you feeling Sweet Peach?” he enquires as he walks across to the chest of drawers, selects a pair of socks… — J.C. McClean Copy Share Image
Readjusted law school expectations: when you're so excited that your 'to do' list is down to only 143 items due in the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“But you won’t abdicate." Of course not. It’s my duty to go on, to maintain the line. I can’t possibly fail in… — Mark Helprin Copy Share Image
“As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a leaky boat. Well,… — Cuthbert Soup Copy Share Image
It's a tough one because some comedians and some genres of comedy seek to shock or offend, or make somebody say, 'woah,… — Rebecca Root Copy Share Image
My cock got caught in my zipper today…at least that's what I'm telling my wife when she sees the teeth marks on… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
Loved 'Get Out,' super good from start to finish. I mean, it had everything you'd want in a movie. It was funny,… — Perfume Genius Copy Share Image
If you recall the happiest moments in your life, they are all from when you were doing something for somebody else. — Desmond Tutu Copy Share Image
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
![“I thought the idea Jim [Carrey] had, which was to do a comedic version of movies like The Hand That Rocks The Cradle and Unlawful Entry, was really funny. The movie was a little lighter when we first came on, a little more like What About Bob? or something.” quote by Judd Apatow](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/75a/judd-apatow-1471_bob_i-thought-the-idea-jim-carrey-had-which_1951092.jpg)
